The question I asked myself for two decades.
I had two beautiful daughters and a wonderful husband.
What is wrong with me?
I had a home-based graphic design business, nice neighbors, good friends.
So, what is wrong with me?
In my teens and 20s, I believed I would not live to see my 30th birthday. I never defined what that meant exactly. And looking back, how overly dramatic of me.
As a kid, one soundtrack of my mother’s life was Carole King’s album, Tapestry. Carole gave me permission to cry with her song “So Far Away” and then lift me up with her promise “You’ve Got a Friend.”
But it was the song “Way Over Yonder” I listened to on repeat as I stood in a local cemetery and watched the sun rise on my 30th birthday.
I wanted that sun shining golden, right down on me. Where trouble’s gonna lose me and worry, leave me behind. I wanted to stand up proudly, in true peace of mind.
What is wrong with me?
It no longer mattered because I quit looking for the answer. Self-medicating with alcohol and bad decisions buried the question for many years.
I know today what I probably knew then, but ignored. Asking for help was beyond my ability.
The therapist I needed found me one day when he called to ask if I would design the newsletter for his behavioral health practice. The following three years we spent in counsel helped me get to the place where I understood you’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. I found that I’m beautiful. I’m as beautiful as I feel.
The question, what is wrong with me? eventually disappeared.
As I write this, Carole reminds me my life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue, an everlasting vision of the ever changing view. A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold, a tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold.
If you’re depressed or know someone who is, allow grace and kindness to be your guides. The answers are different for everyone because depression isn’t one-size-fits-all. But help is out there and you’re not alone. xoxo
Visit A Very Well Mind for a list of resources.